Can't help but feel guilty

I know that there was absolutely no way we could have known, or prepared ourselves for a brain tumor, but I feel so guilty about planning and getting pregnant with our third child. Obviously I had no idea at the time, but as my due date nears, I find myself feeling like a horrible person. Our community, friends and family have helped so much with getting us what we need, but this wasn't supposed to work out like this. We were supposed to be financially stable and get everything ourselves, I mean it is our third child after all. Not that I don't appreciate everything we've received, because I do, I just have this overwhelming guilt like I should've planned better.
This still doesn't feel real, like somehow I'll wake up and Dustin won't have a brain tumor and he's still generating income. Am I wrong for thinking this way? Honestly I'm scared and nervous and so stressed out that I don't even know where to go from here. We got some money from a GoFundMe account and family members, but it's just scratching the surface. We'll more than likely lose the truck and be behind on a few bills. Which terrifies me, even though I know this isn't the end of the world. This was our year to get ahead, finish paying off our credit cards and start working on our credit. Now we're looking at a whole different scenario. It's temporary, I know it is, it's just a long temporary. I can't let Dustin know I'm feeling this way because me stressing out is the last thing he needs. I've got to stop being selfish and just get through this.

One hell of a week

It's hard to believe our lives have been completely turned upside down in such a short amount of time. The flood of every single emotion you can imagine has been exhausting, but at least things are better than anticipated. Dustin was released on Saturday and we flew home that night. I can't even begin to describe how good it felt not only to sleep in our own bed, but to sleep in the same bed. The littlest things in life you tend to take for granted. I've learned not to take anything for granted anymore. Just having him here next to me right now makes me smile. Our priorities in life have shifted, financial issues no longer stress us out to the point where I'm in tears. I just know everything will work itself out one way or another, it could go so many different ways, but my husband is here and he's going to be healthy and that's really all that matters. This is temporary, we can get back on our feet after this is all over. I've been saying that we sure chose one hell of a time to get pregnant, but everything happens for a reason, I've always believed that. Good things can come from the darkest of times, our relationship has never been stronger and we've learned to not put so much emphasis into material things. What's important is family and God. We've got everything we need.

I go back to work tomorrow, I was hoping to be put in maternity leave, but considering the baby and I are doing so well, that's not likely. I'm going to see if I can work from home, I just feel better being around for Dustin just in case. He's not one to stay in bed and rest all day or remember to take his pills. His dad will be here Wednesday night, but who else but me is better to take care of him? It's a comfort thing and I will be here for him no matter what.

Looking up

It's Friday and while I'm still sitting here in a hospital room next to my husband, I'm in much better spirits. Dustin's surgery went really well yesterday and today he is doing better than I expected. I'd love to say this chapter in our lives is about over, however, with the size of his tumor, he's going to need another surgery to get the rest out. We'll be doing this all over again before the end of the year. But in my attempt to take things day by day, I'd say things are pretty good all things considered.

I cannot wait to get out of the hospital and get back to our lives. I'm missing our son like crazy, but he's being looked after and I know he's well taken care of. I just can't wait to see him and love on him. Our daughter left with my mom and sister today, I'm glad she got to see that her dad is recovering well. I also have to admit that I am looking forward to sleeping in my comfortable bed with my pregnancy pillow. These hospital couches aren't exactly ideal, especially when you're pushing 33 weeks pregnant.

Speaking of pregnancy, I'm starting to feel the effects of my lack of sleep and eating. When they brought Dustin back from surgery, I stood up next to him to hold his hand and I about blacked out. I can't lie, it scared me pretty bad. I find that standing or bending over tends to make me feel uneasy, like something's not right. I had a few contractions last night that worried me, but they haven't come back since and I think if I just take it easy, I'll be ok. I just need to make sure I see my doctor as soon as we get back into town. The last thing we need is for me to neglect my health.

I'm going to try to take a nap to catch up on my much needed sleep.

This is my life

Am I am bad person for wanting to run away from my life right now? Obviously I would never, but how is it that I want to run far away from here, but at the same time I don't want to go anywhere? Am I having a panic attack? Am I losing my mind? How long can you be strong until you physically and emotionally just can't take anymore? I don't even know. Maybe I'm just running that low on sleep and energy that I just can't seem think straight. At this point sleep seems so far away, and not this light sleep that seems to make me even more tired, I mean actual good, long sleep.
As tired as I am, I can't help envisioning myself running out the doors of the hospital. Maybe just to breathe some fresh air, maybe to just keep on running. Any attempt to stop myself from facing this hell that is my reality. I'm a horrible person. Who thinks about running away during one of the most difficult and scary parts of someone's life? That same someone who would never think about running away from you? There is no hiding. Or running away. No escaping. I have to keep fighting through this pain, through all this scary stuff, because someone I love more than anything needs me. I'll just continue to be a shitty person in my mind who fantasizes about running away. Never acting on such a selfish thought. This is my life.

Is this real?

I keep waking up only to face reality. Part of me feels like this is just a bad dream that I'm going to wake up from, as if it hasn't really hit me yet. Things that seemingly happen overnight have that effect on you. No matter how much reassurance and confidence the surgeons and the team have, there's always that small chance something could go wrong. I shouldn't even be thinking this way, but honestly how can I not? It's like I KNOW he's going to be fine, but I just can't seem to stop my mind from wondering. My breakdowns still happen when I'm alone, mostly early morning or late at night when I know Dustin's sleeping. I know he knows I cry, but the last thing I want is him seeing me like that.
We found out that he will be going into surgery sometime tomorrow afternoon, something about knowing that just makes this situation that much more real. I'm anticipating it just being over, while at the same time dreading them wheeling him away to start a lengthy, invasive brain surgery. I'll be an absolute mess, I told him I'd try to stay strong, but we both know that isn't happening. Seeing the strongest person, my rock, like that still breaks me, every day, every time. If I could take his place I would, in a heartbeat.
When I go back to the why, like why'd this happen to us? I can only think about something I read. It said something along the lines of why not? What makes us so damn special that something like this could never happen? The answer, unfortunately, is nothing. Bad things happen to good people all of the time, it's part of life. You just deal with it as it comes and do the best you can with the hand you're dealt.
I would love to fast forward a few weeks, get to the easier parts, assuming it can only go up from here. It's hard to get excited about a new baby when all I can think of is my husbands health. The birth of our son will be a new beginning, I know that, we just need to get to that part. No matter what is going on in life, a baby is always a blessing. My husband WILL be recovered enough to be there for the birth of our son and enjoy every up and down associated with a newborn.
I'm learning not to take things for granted anymore, the alone time my husband and I have gotten in the last few days have been nice. It's like having date night while staying in, at least that's what I've been pretending it is. It felt good to laugh during such a hard time, that's something I'm always guaranteed with him. His sense of humor keeps my life fun and interesting.
I should probably try to get some rest, it's going to be a big, overwhelming day tomorrow.

It's hard

It's 5 am and I have been having trouble sleeping. Not because I'm 32 weeks pregnant, which has made sleeping comfortably near impossible, but because I'm in a hospital, 9 hours from home because my husband has a brain tumor. A brain tumor. Who would ever think that a trip to an ER would have doctors finding a golf ball sized tumor pushing against their husband's brain stem? Not me, not ever did I think we'd be here. I honestly didn't know what else to do but to start writing. Our families will be coming in throughout the day, which is great, he is so loved. He's always been the strong one and now it's my turn, I have got to stay strong, especially for him, but also for my 2 beautiful children and our families. I've been keeping most of my breakdowns to myself, I'm not an emotional people and have always felt it hard to deal with it, mostly when I know my husband needs me to be strong.

Today we will find out if he gets the surgery this morning, or sometime tomorrow. I'm a mess, seeing him on that hospital bed kills me. He's strong and healthy and the fact that there is absolutely nothing I can do for him is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I need him to be okay, I need his surgery to go well and I need him to know how much I love him. These last few days have really tested our relationship and I don't think I've ever been more in love with him in my life. It's strange how something like this puts things into perspective. We've known each other for years, have been together for 5 and married for almost 3. He is the best dad for Rylie, who just turned 8, she adores him and he is everything I could have ever wanted for our son, Tyler, who is almost 4. Life gets busy and you seem forget you need to make time for each other. Of course, we've gotten plenty of time to spend time with just us, since Sunday night. But it needs to become a priority from this day forward, we deserve it.  Not that I've ever questioned his love for me, I know he loves me, sometimes we just need to be alone together, even if it's at home, laying down together watching a movie. At this point, right now, all I want to do is be close to him. Sleeping separately has never been so hard, all I want is him and it feels so weird to literally miss someone who is sleeping 10 feet away. I don't want to leave him and the only times I've left him alone were to take care of our son (Rylie is in CA visiting family) or to get some things from the house. 

His surgery can be anywhere from 8-12 hours and I just know I'll be losing my mind worrying. Anything could happen and brain surgery is scary. It absolutely terrifies me, I know it does him as well, I have never once seen him cry until the day we got a diagnosis.  

Life is extremely unpredictable, one minute you're anticipating a new baby and the next being flown to Phoenix to a neurological institute to get your husband to the best doctors to handle a very delicate and complicated surgery. I can't ask why because no one knows, I can't be mad because it could've happened to anybody. I can be sad and scared and so damn angry at the situation, but I can't keep going back to the what if's or how could we have been so stupid as to not have taken him in sooner. At the end of the day we are where we are and we just have to take it minute by minute, hour by hour. I need to be here for him and I need to show him how much I love him. It's all I can do.

It's Christmas time...

As of last night I am DONE with Christmas shopping. I've got to say, it's quite an accomplishment, especially because I left yesterday not having any idea what I was going to buy for the rest of the people on my list. Go me! It's also REALLY nice even being able to have the money to get people things. Have I mentioned that I have an amazing job?! I got $100 in a Christmas card from the CEO and Thursday I got a Christmas bonus, based on my yearly salary, which for this year was only barely 2 weeks haha. But anything is better than nothing, and it's gotten my savings account exactly where I needed it ;)

I still can't believe next Sunday is Christmas. Seriously, this year crept up behind me and flew by. Not that I'm complaining, I think it's great. This year I have truly been blessed. I have an amazing family, a great job and things are on the right track. I'll be getting a new car early next year and after that, I'll be saving to move out. I'd love it to just be Ry and I, but we'll see.

Well today it's off to Legoland with one of the managers at my work. Ry and I have never been so it should be fun. They even have a little area with snow, which Ry has never seen.

Until next time,
Lacy

Finally!

Things have definitely been going my way lately. Good luck seems to follow me around this week :)) I got hired at my job which means benefits, more money, paid holidays and I'll be able to get a car!!! I'm beyond ecstatic. Ry and I now have medical, dental and vision insurance paid 100% by my work. I'm pretty sure it doesn't get any better that that. Especially because there isn't a 'probation period' they're effective the 1st of the month...meaning tomorrow.

After everything I've been through, things are on track and I'm getting my life straightened out. I should have my new car no later than February and after my bills are paid off/in order, I'll be buying furniture for my apartment and eventually moving out. I've also decided to go back to school, which means I have to start from scratch at a community college, but that's ok. My foot is already in the door at my work, all that's standing in my way of salary based pay is a college degree.

Words cannot describe how relieved I am. What better time than the holiday season? Christmas is gonna be good this year. Ahhh...

Lacy

Birthday Month!

That's right...we are officially 10 days into the wonderful month of October! I don't just love it because of my birthday, although that has contributed to my love of the month, it's a time for Breast Cancer Awareness, Halloween and the perfect weather. I started out this month by taking a mini-vacation with my dad, to the Bay Area to visit my sisters and family. I have to say that it was much needed. Next time I hope to be able to stay longer than only 3 days, but it took the edge off of my stress, which is all I can really ask for.

I am going to be 25 in 17 days, and the only thing 25 really means is lower car insurance and I am now able to rent a car without having to pay an extra $25-30/day for being a 'new driver'. Woo-hoo....can you sense the excitement? You know, because I am constantly renting cars. I guess when the day comes when I actually need to rent one, I'll be thankful for the money I will be saving. (How's that for thinking positive?!). In all seriousness, I can say that I (almost) know who I am. I may not be 25 just yet, but I'd say 17 days is pretty damn close.

Halloween is the Monday following my birthday weekend (yes, I get a month, a week and a weekend). I have yet to figure out what Rylie is going to be. I've asked her, but 2 year olds don't exactly grasp the concept of Halloween. So, it is left for me to decide. I've always been terrible when it comes to making decisions (hard to believe, I know). It's not like picking out a costume for my toddler is difficult, but it's my style to make even the simplest of decisions, painstakingly hard. I've tried breaking it down by her favorite shows and movies, that leaves me with plenty of choices. We have Olivia, Yo Gabba Gabba!, Shrek, Tangled, Princess and the Frog, Marmaduke (good luck with that one), Ice Age and Happy Feet. There are more, but I haven't been able to think straight lately, and anyways 8 different shows/movies leaves me with plenty...right? Oh no, not for me. I look up each different choice and I am so unhappy with the costumes. I mean seriously, they want to charge us up the ass for a cheap, hideous looking costume that my child will probably only wear once. I don't think so! By now you can see how hard things can be for me (whether I make them that way or not).

Which leads me to my birthday planning. I have NO IDEA what to do. Now that I am a boring mom (with emphasis on the boring), I don't enjoy going out to bars/clubs, drinking or anything along those lines. I think I'm more like 24 going on 40, but that's besides the point right now (well, kind of). Other than the fact that I don't have many friends that live here, my choices are pretty much limited to dinner with the family and possibly a spa day. Actually, that doesn't sound too bad. I can ALWAYS go for a spa day, then again, what girl can't? I know some spas offer package deals for groups that include drinks and appetizers, I've been looking into something like that. I just have to get people on board with me, considering it isn't exactly cheap.

Still no permanent position at work, but it looks like I should be finding out within the next couple weeks. Then again, how many times have I said that? It went from two weeks, to 'the end of this month' to 'when the COO returns from vacation'. Waiting...waiting...waiting. Story of my life. I'm always waiting. I can't really complain because isn't that what my life is all about? Waiting? People always tell me to enjoy my life, to live in the moment. I just can't do that. I feel like I constantly have to have something to look forward to, something to wait for. So, complaining would be stupid, because, after all, I seem to crave the wait. It could just be that I know something good is out there and I will get to it. Once I am completely satisfied with my life, I will enjoy it. I'll enjoy every little minute. I'm almost there, I can honestly say that I am satisfied with how things are at the moment, but that's because it's a stepping stone to get me to where I want to be. Where I need to be.

October starts off the 'Holiday Season' and I know time is going to fly by. I LOVE it! So bring on the cold weather and warm drinks :)

Lacy

It's been a while!

I'm back! It's been too long. I graduated from school (which I have to admit was a mistake altogether), I have a great new job with an amazing company and all in all things are pretty damn good! Rylie is now 2 and let's just say it's been an adventure so far. She's extremely smart and funny and sometimes drives me absolutely crazy! I love her to death, but sometimes I just want to rip my hair out. Every night seems like a battle, she just turns mean. For example, last night it was around bedtime and I was picking up her toys downstairs when she decides to hit our smallest dog, Gabana. When I mean hit, I mean she wailed on her. She, of course, got in trouble and had to sit on the stairs for a time out (which, by the way she HATES) and after I asked her why she would hit Bana. Her response was "Bana doesn't like Ry". Nice. So if someone doesn't like you feel free to hit them because there's no use being nice, at least that's the way she sees it. It's hard to explain why that is wrong, but I did my best, with the help from my mom. She apologized to our dog in the end, but I know it will happen again, it always does.

I still haven't gotten a car, the job I am at right now, is only a temp job, which makes it hard to get financed because it's not a 'guaranteed' paycheck. I'm hoping it'll become permanent soon (fingers crossed). I'm also trying to get my credit score up, since my mistake of a marriage majorly screwed me. Just thinking about my once perfect credit score can bring me to tears, but what can I do? The past is the past and that's where I'm going to leave it. All I have do now is repair what I can, and deal with the rest.

My sister Lisa's birthday is the end of this month, so I decided to go visit her in the bay area. I bought my plane tickets yesterday and I am SO EXCITED! I haven't been up there since before I moved to SD from Fresno, so like 4 or 5 years. That's such a long time, I'm way overdue and her birthday is the perfect time. Now that I am working, I can go more often. I couldn't believe how cheap the flight was. I paid about $140 for a round trip, it beats driving and it's only an hour and 40 mins. I'll also get to visit my friends who live up there, so I decided to take a day off of work, because 2 days just wasn't enough. I will not be bringing Rylie, I want to, but I'd like to go out and have a few drinks and enjoy myself. Not that I can't enjoy myself with her, but I need a little break.

Til next time,
Lacy

Life...

Hmmm...I haven't been on here in a long time, let's see, where am I? I am a mess for one. Seeing a psychologist helped me, but I haven't been able to go back because, well, I'm officially divorced meaning I have no health benefits.

With the new year I was trying to be positive, and I was doing really well and everything was seeming to fall right into place, things were going my way and I was genuinely happy. Then something happened, not even a very big thing, just a thing and now I feel like I've fallen 10 steps behind. I don't mean to be negative and I HATE throwing a pity party for myself, I really do. I just, I don't know, I feel so lost. Like, I thought I would be someone by now, or at the very least be completely independent and somewhat successful. But here I am, 24, divorced, living at home with my parents and a single parent, definitely NOT some place I EVER thought I would be. I thought I'd be on baby number 2, happily married and, for the most part, worry free. That seems more like a fantasy now than even remotely close to reality.

So, I've kind of finished school, by kind of I mean I still have an externship to do. I found out that dental assistants don't make shit and I could have been making more money doing what I was doing back in Fresno WITH benefits (then of course I wouldn't have my amazing daughter and that's a different story for another time). UGH! Talk about frustrating AND a waste of time. What the hell do I do now? I want to finish externing and school, but I also need to start working and making money to start to cover the debt my so-called mistake of a marriage got me into. Just the thought of it sends my blood boiling to the point of an anxiety attack.

Since I continue to focus on the negative let's go into the fact that I have been single for longer than I have ever been in my 'dating career' (if you will...) and to be honest the term 'sexually frustrated' is a complete understatement. What else? Oh I have like 2 friends here, both of which are moving next month FML! Really? No wonder I keep reverting to the thought of moving back to Fresno, at least there I have some type of social life, that of which includes playmates for Rylie.

There is just too much going on in my life that I feel like I'm about to fall apart any second and I don't know how to even fix myself. For example Rylie's 'dad' is coming with his new girlfriend next month and that alone is making me want to scream. I'm not ready to share my daughter. It sucks, everything she knows is because of me or my family, what has he contributed to her well-being? I guess I'm scared that she might like him more, or that I will be replaced. My daughter is my whole world! I guess it's not always about me, and after 24 years I need to understand that. It's just hard.

Things

I am very much aware that no one reads this, then again this is mainly for me to vent and get things off my chest.

ANYWAYS

Life is definitely getting better, I've been in school for about a month now and even though it's hard, I've been doing pretty well. I've even made new friends and I've been going to the gym 6 days a week. Still no Weight Watchers, but I wanna see if I can really lose weight on my own, with the help of exercise before I spend more money. So far I've been going over a week, hardly enough to base anything on yet. I still cannot believe how much I weigh and how horrible I look. And to think I actually thought I was fat before I got pregnant. Not that I regret being pregnant, because Ry is the best thing that has every happened to me, I just wish I had taken better care of myself during my pregnancy and exercised. But here I am, extremely unhappy with my body. Not a place I would ever want to be, then again, things could be worse. Other than my body and weight, I would say things are good.

My new life starts

After months of going back and forth about which school I wanted to attend and which field, I've finally enrolled for classes. I'll be attending the Dental Assistant program at UEI-San Marcos. After speaking with a counselor and going over costs and all that fun stuff I decided that was the college for me. It's only 8 months and I go Mon-Fri 10-2:30, so it's a fairly easy schedule that I know I can work around when it comes to my family and Ry. I have to admit I'm excited that I get to wear scrubs to school everyday, it just beats the extra 10 minutes it takes me to find something to wear (especially now because I feel like the fattest person ever ugh!). I know I'm a loser for being excited about something so stupid, but oh well!

I haven't been able to start weight watchers yet, because of money issues and trying to get the stupid car up and running (which is a story in itself). But as of last night I have decided to start jogging at least 4-5 times a week. We have a park by my house that has the perfect track for a jog, and I felt so much better after doing it, and 30 minutes out of my day is not that big of a deal. I just grab my iPod and some Smart Water and I'm good to go. After I come back home I try to do at least 100 crunches (25 regular and another 25 on each side, ending on the criss-cross kind). I feel GREAT today, of course a little sore, but I can do this.

I cannot stand the way I look, I was looking at pictures of myself before I got pregnant, you know those times when you 'thought' you were so fat and looking back you think "wtf was I smoking? I would give anything to be back to that size"? Yeah well I have to do something, and sitting on my fatass every day is not doing anything but making me feel more self conscious and ugly. I think I'll start writing down everything I put into my mouth, including mints, gum EVERYTHING. I am single now and I gotta get back out there, and I cannot do that looking like I do now. So wish me luck, I LOVE food and it's something that will not be easy to just give up. I know I can do this, I just have to put my mind to it. I have 40 lbs to lose, this is gonna be a long road, but Vegas is in a couple months and I HAVE to look good in a little dress when we go out to the clubs!

Anyways, as for my Rylie, she's the biggest brat ever! I absolutely love her to death, but something must be done about her attitude and that screaming! She screams all the time, and in public. Other than that she is walking and of course into everything. I have some work to do in the mommy department as far as discipline goes, that's another obstacle to conquer. Like everything else, I can do it.

Lacy Nicole

Life...MINE

So it finally happened, Rylie turned 1 as of 10:27am (Eastern time) yesterday. We took her to Chuck E. Cheese and I honestly don't think I have ever seen her as happy as I did there. We put her on all the rides for little kids and she was smiling ear to ear the whole time. It was the cutest thing I have ever seen. Her party is tomorrow and we have family coming down from Fresno. I had to go with another theme, instead of the ladybug one I wanted. Who knew finding ladybug stuff for parties was going to be so hard? I wasn't about to pay almost $30 on shipping for plates and napkins that only cost $5.00 together, so we decided to find something else. The new theme is called One-derful, it's pretty cute, very girly just like Ryles!

I have been seeing a therapist once a week since February, and I have to say I am in a much better place than I was when I first started. She's got me thinking about what I really want in life, including new relationships. She had me create list of all the qualities I want in a man and I have to stick with it. No more settling, I know I deserve something great and if that takes 10 years, so be it. Like I've said many times before, I'm ok with being a single parent....for now(haha). Anyways back to my list, I had to think long and hard about what I put on there, trying not to forget important things. Here's the list so far...

1. Loves me for me
2. Loves Rylie as his own
3. Respects me
4. Financially stable
5. Financially smart (meaning he doesn't spend frivolously)
6. Clean
7. Good sense of style (but not gay looking)
8. Smart
9. Good job (or in college)
10. Isn't selfish
11. Funny
12. Romantic
13. Has a good family background
14. Likes to travels
15. Gets along with my family (and my family loves him)

That's all I have so far. It's hard to think of EVERTHING you want in a person. You're always told not to set the bar too high, but why not? Isn't that why I'm here, because I DIDN'T set the bar high enough? Who cares if it takes a long time to find "Mr. Right", you shouldn't just say "Well he's the best I'm going to find, and I don't have my whole life to wait". Screw that business. Yes, my bar is that high and yes, I will wait as long as it takes! What's the rush? I need to focus on my daughter and my education, because along with Ry, I am number one in my life.


Lacy

It's almost been a year

Time truly does fly when you have a baby. This last year has been so full of joy and pain. When Rylie arrived I never knew you could love such a little person so much. The moment I laid eyes on her I started crying because I was overwhelmed with so many thoughts, would I be a good mom? Would I know what to do? and I also cried because a part of me I never knew was missing came into my life and completed me. 


Being a mom has taught me a lot, especially being a single mom and I'm 100% ok with it. I love that I can take care of my daughter all by myself, with the occasional help from my wonderful family. Without my family I would have nothing, and I appreciate them now than ever. 


I know having Rylie has changed me for the better. I rarely go out and drink (although sometimes I need it), I put her before myself, I am starting school to give her a good life and I finally have my priorities straightened out. Never did I ever think I would be where I am now, single with a baby. I admit it's not the path I would have chosen for myself, but it is definitely one I do not regret. Now that I am all situated at home, I feel like I've been given another chance. I'm still young and there's so much I can still do, having Rylie doesn't restrict me in anyway. She makes me want to be a better person, to not settle for anything less than what I deserve. I can now breathe and it feels really good. 


A much happier Lacy :)

9 months

On the 27th of February my little munchkin turned 9 months. It's crazy that she is now as old as my pregnancy was long. It makes me sad that we are now entering into the toddler years and in a few months she won't be a little baby.Of course she'll always be my baby though. She's extremely close to walking, so much that my mom, sister and I have waged bets on when she'll start. Walking gets me thinking about the fact that this house is no where near being babyproofed. We still need at  least 2 baby gates, plug covers, cabinet locks and we need to move all the toxic cleaning products that are easily accessible to her.

I have finally decided on which school I am going to. I made the decision to attend Kaplan because of how small the class sizes are and the one on one attention I will be receiving. I've also heard great things about them and the morning session classes start July 14...yay! It's a little later than I wanted to start, but it's the soonest they're offering morning session and that will be the best time for me. It's perfect because I still have the whole day to spend with Rylie and I can still make it to the beach to get my tan on (oooh yes I went there!).

Things are really starting to get better and I just can't wait to see what the rest of the year takes me!!

Lacy Nicole

Her Nursery

Finally after 4 months of living back in CA, Rylie's room is finished! My mom did an amazing job decorating the walls and organizing everything. It's so nice that Rylie finally has a place to call all her own.

Here it is...

It's been awhile

Wow...I haven't written in the longest time. A lot has been going on though. I am legally separated and Alex and I are getting along great! We're just not good together and we both just want what's best for Rylie. Life still isn't completely easy, but it sure is getting better. I'm looking into colleges now, and have decided to go to Kaplan to become a Dental Assistant. They make decent money and the program is only 9 months. I just need to do something to better support Ry and myself.

Speaking of my angel, she is now 8 months. I cannot believe it. Time just goes by so fast, it feels like yesterday I was holding her in my arms in the delivery room...aww! She is so big. It seems like she learns something new everyday. I think crawling is just around the corner and now she's been trying to pull herself up from sitting (cutest thing ever). And TEETH! We've got 2 so far on the bottom.

Tomorrow we leave for Fresno till Thursday, we have a funeral to go to, obviously not something to look forward to. So sad. I should probably get packing!

Lacy Nicole

A New Lacy...

I don't even know how to start off this blog. Let's just say that something good has DEFINITELY come out of all this B.S. I have been dealing with this last month. I am no longer the little Lacy who put up with any and everything that came my way, got stepped on, taken advantage of and so on (I'm pretty sure you get the point). I am stronger and I have decided to live my life to the fullest. I have made the decision to go back to school to become a Dental Assistant (and then go on to become a hygienist) to ensure my daughter has the life she deserves and the life I want to live. I am also going to take care of this baby weight problem, now I know right now isn't the best time for diets and exercise with the holidays and such, but seriously if I can do it now, I can do it anytime. I have finally come to the realization that if I have such a problem with it, why don't I just do something about it? So I gotta knock off this lazy shit and get my act together. MOTIVATION BABY! And that motivation is to get back out there and look damn good haha. I laugh, but I am so serious.

My standards are set extremely high now and I don't think I deserve anything but the best, and that doesn't just mean in relationships, it's life in general. People are always saying "Life is what you make it" so I am going to make it amazing. I know I have made TOO many mistakes in my short life, but it's never too soon to change. Plus I have someone else who counts on me, and she is SO worth it!

Well I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving, I know I will!

Lacy Nicole

She's almost 6 months...

Where does the time go?! She has hit SO many milestones in the past month it just amazes me. She's been sitting up, rolling over, eating rice cereal and just today she started solids (yay!). She had a doctor appointment this morning and she's up to 16.5 lbs and is 25 3/4 inches long. Her pediatrician said she's going to be a tall girl because of her long legs.

I fall even more in love with her everyday. She has definitely helped me to be a better person and because of her I am enrolling in school to give her a better life. I want to be able to give her everything she could ever need, take her out places and on vacations and not have to worry about not having enough money. She deserves a good life!

We are still in CA and I am SO thankful for my mom and sister. I don't know what I would do without their help. Aww it is so nice not having to worry about daycare! Alright well I'm off to bed!

Lacy