This is my life

Am I am bad person for wanting to run away from my life right now? Obviously I would never, but how is it that I want to run far away from here, but at the same time I don't want to go anywhere? Am I having a panic attack? Am I losing my mind? How long can you be strong until you physically and emotionally just can't take anymore? I don't even know. Maybe I'm just running that low on sleep and energy that I just can't seem think straight. At this point sleep seems so far away, and not this light sleep that seems to make me even more tired, I mean actual good, long sleep.
As tired as I am, I can't help envisioning myself running out the doors of the hospital. Maybe just to breathe some fresh air, maybe to just keep on running. Any attempt to stop myself from facing this hell that is my reality. I'm a horrible person. Who thinks about running away during one of the most difficult and scary parts of someone's life? That same someone who would never think about running away from you? There is no hiding. Or running away. No escaping. I have to keep fighting through this pain, through all this scary stuff, because someone I love more than anything needs me. I'll just continue to be a shitty person in my mind who fantasizes about running away. Never acting on such a selfish thought. This is my life.

Is this real?

I keep waking up only to face reality. Part of me feels like this is just a bad dream that I'm going to wake up from, as if it hasn't really hit me yet. Things that seemingly happen overnight have that effect on you. No matter how much reassurance and confidence the surgeons and the team have, there's always that small chance something could go wrong. I shouldn't even be thinking this way, but honestly how can I not? It's like I KNOW he's going to be fine, but I just can't seem to stop my mind from wondering. My breakdowns still happen when I'm alone, mostly early morning or late at night when I know Dustin's sleeping. I know he knows I cry, but the last thing I want is him seeing me like that.
We found out that he will be going into surgery sometime tomorrow afternoon, something about knowing that just makes this situation that much more real. I'm anticipating it just being over, while at the same time dreading them wheeling him away to start a lengthy, invasive brain surgery. I'll be an absolute mess, I told him I'd try to stay strong, but we both know that isn't happening. Seeing the strongest person, my rock, like that still breaks me, every day, every time. If I could take his place I would, in a heartbeat.
When I go back to the why, like why'd this happen to us? I can only think about something I read. It said something along the lines of why not? What makes us so damn special that something like this could never happen? The answer, unfortunately, is nothing. Bad things happen to good people all of the time, it's part of life. You just deal with it as it comes and do the best you can with the hand you're dealt.
I would love to fast forward a few weeks, get to the easier parts, assuming it can only go up from here. It's hard to get excited about a new baby when all I can think of is my husbands health. The birth of our son will be a new beginning, I know that, we just need to get to that part. No matter what is going on in life, a baby is always a blessing. My husband WILL be recovered enough to be there for the birth of our son and enjoy every up and down associated with a newborn.
I'm learning not to take things for granted anymore, the alone time my husband and I have gotten in the last few days have been nice. It's like having date night while staying in, at least that's what I've been pretending it is. It felt good to laugh during such a hard time, that's something I'm always guaranteed with him. His sense of humor keeps my life fun and interesting.
I should probably try to get some rest, it's going to be a big, overwhelming day tomorrow.

It's hard

It's 5 am and I have been having trouble sleeping. Not because I'm 32 weeks pregnant, which has made sleeping comfortably near impossible, but because I'm in a hospital, 9 hours from home because my husband has a brain tumor. A brain tumor. Who would ever think that a trip to an ER would have doctors finding a golf ball sized tumor pushing against their husband's brain stem? Not me, not ever did I think we'd be here. I honestly didn't know what else to do but to start writing. Our families will be coming in throughout the day, which is great, he is so loved. He's always been the strong one and now it's my turn, I have got to stay strong, especially for him, but also for my 2 beautiful children and our families. I've been keeping most of my breakdowns to myself, I'm not an emotional people and have always felt it hard to deal with it, mostly when I know my husband needs me to be strong.

Today we will find out if he gets the surgery this morning, or sometime tomorrow. I'm a mess, seeing him on that hospital bed kills me. He's strong and healthy and the fact that there is absolutely nothing I can do for him is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I need him to be okay, I need his surgery to go well and I need him to know how much I love him. These last few days have really tested our relationship and I don't think I've ever been more in love with him in my life. It's strange how something like this puts things into perspective. We've known each other for years, have been together for 5 and married for almost 3. He is the best dad for Rylie, who just turned 8, she adores him and he is everything I could have ever wanted for our son, Tyler, who is almost 4. Life gets busy and you seem forget you need to make time for each other. Of course, we've gotten plenty of time to spend time with just us, since Sunday night. But it needs to become a priority from this day forward, we deserve it.  Not that I've ever questioned his love for me, I know he loves me, sometimes we just need to be alone together, even if it's at home, laying down together watching a movie. At this point, right now, all I want to do is be close to him. Sleeping separately has never been so hard, all I want is him and it feels so weird to literally miss someone who is sleeping 10 feet away. I don't want to leave him and the only times I've left him alone were to take care of our son (Rylie is in CA visiting family) or to get some things from the house. 

His surgery can be anywhere from 8-12 hours and I just know I'll be losing my mind worrying. Anything could happen and brain surgery is scary. It absolutely terrifies me, I know it does him as well, I have never once seen him cry until the day we got a diagnosis.  

Life is extremely unpredictable, one minute you're anticipating a new baby and the next being flown to Phoenix to a neurological institute to get your husband to the best doctors to handle a very delicate and complicated surgery. I can't ask why because no one knows, I can't be mad because it could've happened to anybody. I can be sad and scared and so damn angry at the situation, but I can't keep going back to the what if's or how could we have been so stupid as to not have taken him in sooner. At the end of the day we are where we are and we just have to take it minute by minute, hour by hour. I need to be here for him and I need to show him how much I love him. It's all I can do.

It's Christmas time...

As of last night I am DONE with Christmas shopping. I've got to say, it's quite an accomplishment, especially because I left yesterday not having any idea what I was going to buy for the rest of the people on my list. Go me! It's also REALLY nice even being able to have the money to get people things. Have I mentioned that I have an amazing job?! I got $100 in a Christmas card from the CEO and Thursday I got a Christmas bonus, based on my yearly salary, which for this year was only barely 2 weeks haha. But anything is better than nothing, and it's gotten my savings account exactly where I needed it ;)

I still can't believe next Sunday is Christmas. Seriously, this year crept up behind me and flew by. Not that I'm complaining, I think it's great. This year I have truly been blessed. I have an amazing family, a great job and things are on the right track. I'll be getting a new car early next year and after that, I'll be saving to move out. I'd love it to just be Ry and I, but we'll see.

Well today it's off to Legoland with one of the managers at my work. Ry and I have never been so it should be fun. They even have a little area with snow, which Ry has never seen.

Until next time,
Lacy

Finally!

Things have definitely been going my way lately. Good luck seems to follow me around this week :)) I got hired at my job which means benefits, more money, paid holidays and I'll be able to get a car!!! I'm beyond ecstatic. Ry and I now have medical, dental and vision insurance paid 100% by my work. I'm pretty sure it doesn't get any better that that. Especially because there isn't a 'probation period' they're effective the 1st of the month...meaning tomorrow.

After everything I've been through, things are on track and I'm getting my life straightened out. I should have my new car no later than February and after my bills are paid off/in order, I'll be buying furniture for my apartment and eventually moving out. I've also decided to go back to school, which means I have to start from scratch at a community college, but that's ok. My foot is already in the door at my work, all that's standing in my way of salary based pay is a college degree.

Words cannot describe how relieved I am. What better time than the holiday season? Christmas is gonna be good this year. Ahhh...

Lacy

Birthday Month!

That's right...we are officially 10 days into the wonderful month of October! I don't just love it because of my birthday, although that has contributed to my love of the month, it's a time for Breast Cancer Awareness, Halloween and the perfect weather. I started out this month by taking a mini-vacation with my dad, to the Bay Area to visit my sisters and family. I have to say that it was much needed. Next time I hope to be able to stay longer than only 3 days, but it took the edge off of my stress, which is all I can really ask for.

I am going to be 25 in 17 days, and the only thing 25 really means is lower car insurance and I am now able to rent a car without having to pay an extra $25-30/day for being a 'new driver'. Woo-hoo....can you sense the excitement? You know, because I am constantly renting cars. I guess when the day comes when I actually need to rent one, I'll be thankful for the money I will be saving. (How's that for thinking positive?!). In all seriousness, I can say that I (almost) know who I am. I may not be 25 just yet, but I'd say 17 days is pretty damn close.

Halloween is the Monday following my birthday weekend (yes, I get a month, a week and a weekend). I have yet to figure out what Rylie is going to be. I've asked her, but 2 year olds don't exactly grasp the concept of Halloween. So, it is left for me to decide. I've always been terrible when it comes to making decisions (hard to believe, I know). It's not like picking out a costume for my toddler is difficult, but it's my style to make even the simplest of decisions, painstakingly hard. I've tried breaking it down by her favorite shows and movies, that leaves me with plenty of choices. We have Olivia, Yo Gabba Gabba!, Shrek, Tangled, Princess and the Frog, Marmaduke (good luck with that one), Ice Age and Happy Feet. There are more, but I haven't been able to think straight lately, and anyways 8 different shows/movies leaves me with plenty...right? Oh no, not for me. I look up each different choice and I am so unhappy with the costumes. I mean seriously, they want to charge us up the ass for a cheap, hideous looking costume that my child will probably only wear once. I don't think so! By now you can see how hard things can be for me (whether I make them that way or not).

Which leads me to my birthday planning. I have NO IDEA what to do. Now that I am a boring mom (with emphasis on the boring), I don't enjoy going out to bars/clubs, drinking or anything along those lines. I think I'm more like 24 going on 40, but that's besides the point right now (well, kind of). Other than the fact that I don't have many friends that live here, my choices are pretty much limited to dinner with the family and possibly a spa day. Actually, that doesn't sound too bad. I can ALWAYS go for a spa day, then again, what girl can't? I know some spas offer package deals for groups that include drinks and appetizers, I've been looking into something like that. I just have to get people on board with me, considering it isn't exactly cheap.

Still no permanent position at work, but it looks like I should be finding out within the next couple weeks. Then again, how many times have I said that? It went from two weeks, to 'the end of this month' to 'when the COO returns from vacation'. Waiting...waiting...waiting. Story of my life. I'm always waiting. I can't really complain because isn't that what my life is all about? Waiting? People always tell me to enjoy my life, to live in the moment. I just can't do that. I feel like I constantly have to have something to look forward to, something to wait for. So, complaining would be stupid, because, after all, I seem to crave the wait. It could just be that I know something good is out there and I will get to it. Once I am completely satisfied with my life, I will enjoy it. I'll enjoy every little minute. I'm almost there, I can honestly say that I am satisfied with how things are at the moment, but that's because it's a stepping stone to get me to where I want to be. Where I need to be.

October starts off the 'Holiday Season' and I know time is going to fly by. I LOVE it! So bring on the cold weather and warm drinks :)

Lacy

It's been a while!

I'm back! It's been too long. I graduated from school (which I have to admit was a mistake altogether), I have a great new job with an amazing company and all in all things are pretty damn good! Rylie is now 2 and let's just say it's been an adventure so far. She's extremely smart and funny and sometimes drives me absolutely crazy! I love her to death, but sometimes I just want to rip my hair out. Every night seems like a battle, she just turns mean. For example, last night it was around bedtime and I was picking up her toys downstairs when she decides to hit our smallest dog, Gabana. When I mean hit, I mean she wailed on her. She, of course, got in trouble and had to sit on the stairs for a time out (which, by the way she HATES) and after I asked her why she would hit Bana. Her response was "Bana doesn't like Ry". Nice. So if someone doesn't like you feel free to hit them because there's no use being nice, at least that's the way she sees it. It's hard to explain why that is wrong, but I did my best, with the help from my mom. She apologized to our dog in the end, but I know it will happen again, it always does.

I still haven't gotten a car, the job I am at right now, is only a temp job, which makes it hard to get financed because it's not a 'guaranteed' paycheck. I'm hoping it'll become permanent soon (fingers crossed). I'm also trying to get my credit score up, since my mistake of a marriage majorly screwed me. Just thinking about my once perfect credit score can bring me to tears, but what can I do? The past is the past and that's where I'm going to leave it. All I have do now is repair what I can, and deal with the rest.

My sister Lisa's birthday is the end of this month, so I decided to go visit her in the bay area. I bought my plane tickets yesterday and I am SO EXCITED! I haven't been up there since before I moved to SD from Fresno, so like 4 or 5 years. That's such a long time, I'm way overdue and her birthday is the perfect time. Now that I am working, I can go more often. I couldn't believe how cheap the flight was. I paid about $140 for a round trip, it beats driving and it's only an hour and 40 mins. I'll also get to visit my friends who live up there, so I decided to take a day off of work, because 2 days just wasn't enough. I will not be bringing Rylie, I want to, but I'd like to go out and have a few drinks and enjoy myself. Not that I can't enjoy myself with her, but I need a little break.

Til next time,
Lacy