So many changes

I've been thinking a lot lately, mainly about how much my life has changed in the last year and a half. It's bittersweet.

I absolutely LOVE my daughter, I would never do anything to change having her if I had the chance. I'm just 'walking down memory lane' of how my life was before I was a wife and mother...
I miss my friends and my independence.
I miss going out and not worrying about anything really, but myself.
I miss drinking
I miss working full time.
I miss my perfect credit score (which is down the toilet now).
I miss my pre-pregnancy body.
I especially miss living in CA.

My self esteem has taken a nose dive and I feel incredibly fat and ugly. I've always had issues with my weight, thinking I was fat when I wasn't. I was looking at pictures of my friends and I before marriage and a baby and wow I looked SO much better than I do now. I don't know what happened. I know I had a baby and for the most part I've lost almost all the weight, but now I'm left with the ugly stretched out nasty stomach...ugh! Included are stretch marks and those nasty scars from my two surgeries during my pregnancy. I feel as if I will NEVER wear a bathing suit again, or be able to look even half as good as I used to.

It's not that my husband makes me feel ugly, because he doesn't. It's just me, I'm extremely hard on myself, I know. I'm depressed and the weight, bills and living in this shithole aren't helping anything. I try to be happy for my daughter and strong for Alex, but at the end of the day here I am: not being able to sleep because I am stressing over any and EVERYTHING. It sucks.

Alex and I were talking today about if we lived in CA how much easier our lives would be. I know for a fact we wouldn't have the problems we're faced with day after day here. We would both be closer to our families and I wouldn't feel so alone. I try to stay positive because I like to believe that everything happens for a reason, it's just what reason do we have living here, living miserably? I just don't get it. I also like to believe that God never gives us more than we can handle. If that's so I'm pretty close to my breaking point and then what? Why can we never catch a break? We have the WORST luck imaginable and nothing EVER goes our way. I feel like we're falling more and more into debt and I'm afraid we'll never get out. AHH...I'm going crazy and it kills me that my dad and sisters have never even met Rylie. It makes me sad. I hate that my mom isn't here to watch her grow, I know she's upset about it, and I don't blame her. I never thought I'd be alone in a delivery room without any family. It's a horrible feeling and I've never admitted it before, but it isn't fun. I watch all these pregnancy shows and the women all have their families and friends come and visit in the hospital, and I had my cousin the first day, along with Alex, but after the first day....nothing.

I'm not writing this to feel sorry for myself, just to vent and let it all out. I feel a little better now...(no one reads this anyways so it works)

Lacy