It's Christmas time...

As of last night I am DONE with Christmas shopping. I've got to say, it's quite an accomplishment, especially because I left yesterday not having any idea what I was going to buy for the rest of the people on my list. Go me! It's also REALLY nice even being able to have the money to get people things. Have I mentioned that I have an amazing job?! I got $100 in a Christmas card from the CEO and Thursday I got a Christmas bonus, based on my yearly salary, which for this year was only barely 2 weeks haha. But anything is better than nothing, and it's gotten my savings account exactly where I needed it ;)

I still can't believe next Sunday is Christmas. Seriously, this year crept up behind me and flew by. Not that I'm complaining, I think it's great. This year I have truly been blessed. I have an amazing family, a great job and things are on the right track. I'll be getting a new car early next year and after that, I'll be saving to move out. I'd love it to just be Ry and I, but we'll see.

Well today it's off to Legoland with one of the managers at my work. Ry and I have never been so it should be fun. They even have a little area with snow, which Ry has never seen.

Until next time,
Lacy

Finally!

Things have definitely been going my way lately. Good luck seems to follow me around this week :)) I got hired at my job which means benefits, more money, paid holidays and I'll be able to get a car!!! I'm beyond ecstatic. Ry and I now have medical, dental and vision insurance paid 100% by my work. I'm pretty sure it doesn't get any better that that. Especially because there isn't a 'probation period' they're effective the 1st of the month...meaning tomorrow.

After everything I've been through, things are on track and I'm getting my life straightened out. I should have my new car no later than February and after my bills are paid off/in order, I'll be buying furniture for my apartment and eventually moving out. I've also decided to go back to school, which means I have to start from scratch at a community college, but that's ok. My foot is already in the door at my work, all that's standing in my way of salary based pay is a college degree.

Words cannot describe how relieved I am. What better time than the holiday season? Christmas is gonna be good this year. Ahhh...

Lacy

Birthday Month!

That's right...we are officially 10 days into the wonderful month of October! I don't just love it because of my birthday, although that has contributed to my love of the month, it's a time for Breast Cancer Awareness, Halloween and the perfect weather. I started out this month by taking a mini-vacation with my dad, to the Bay Area to visit my sisters and family. I have to say that it was much needed. Next time I hope to be able to stay longer than only 3 days, but it took the edge off of my stress, which is all I can really ask for.

I am going to be 25 in 17 days, and the only thing 25 really means is lower car insurance and I am now able to rent a car without having to pay an extra $25-30/day for being a 'new driver'. Woo-hoo....can you sense the excitement? You know, because I am constantly renting cars. I guess when the day comes when I actually need to rent one, I'll be thankful for the money I will be saving. (How's that for thinking positive?!). In all seriousness, I can say that I (almost) know who I am. I may not be 25 just yet, but I'd say 17 days is pretty damn close.

Halloween is the Monday following my birthday weekend (yes, I get a month, a week and a weekend). I have yet to figure out what Rylie is going to be. I've asked her, but 2 year olds don't exactly grasp the concept of Halloween. So, it is left for me to decide. I've always been terrible when it comes to making decisions (hard to believe, I know). It's not like picking out a costume for my toddler is difficult, but it's my style to make even the simplest of decisions, painstakingly hard. I've tried breaking it down by her favorite shows and movies, that leaves me with plenty of choices. We have Olivia, Yo Gabba Gabba!, Shrek, Tangled, Princess and the Frog, Marmaduke (good luck with that one), Ice Age and Happy Feet. There are more, but I haven't been able to think straight lately, and anyways 8 different shows/movies leaves me with plenty...right? Oh no, not for me. I look up each different choice and I am so unhappy with the costumes. I mean seriously, they want to charge us up the ass for a cheap, hideous looking costume that my child will probably only wear once. I don't think so! By now you can see how hard things can be for me (whether I make them that way or not).

Which leads me to my birthday planning. I have NO IDEA what to do. Now that I am a boring mom (with emphasis on the boring), I don't enjoy going out to bars/clubs, drinking or anything along those lines. I think I'm more like 24 going on 40, but that's besides the point right now (well, kind of). Other than the fact that I don't have many friends that live here, my choices are pretty much limited to dinner with the family and possibly a spa day. Actually, that doesn't sound too bad. I can ALWAYS go for a spa day, then again, what girl can't? I know some spas offer package deals for groups that include drinks and appetizers, I've been looking into something like that. I just have to get people on board with me, considering it isn't exactly cheap.

Still no permanent position at work, but it looks like I should be finding out within the next couple weeks. Then again, how many times have I said that? It went from two weeks, to 'the end of this month' to 'when the COO returns from vacation'. Waiting...waiting...waiting. Story of my life. I'm always waiting. I can't really complain because isn't that what my life is all about? Waiting? People always tell me to enjoy my life, to live in the moment. I just can't do that. I feel like I constantly have to have something to look forward to, something to wait for. So, complaining would be stupid, because, after all, I seem to crave the wait. It could just be that I know something good is out there and I will get to it. Once I am completely satisfied with my life, I will enjoy it. I'll enjoy every little minute. I'm almost there, I can honestly say that I am satisfied with how things are at the moment, but that's because it's a stepping stone to get me to where I want to be. Where I need to be.

October starts off the 'Holiday Season' and I know time is going to fly by. I LOVE it! So bring on the cold weather and warm drinks :)

Lacy

It's been a while!

I'm back! It's been too long. I graduated from school (which I have to admit was a mistake altogether), I have a great new job with an amazing company and all in all things are pretty damn good! Rylie is now 2 and let's just say it's been an adventure so far. She's extremely smart and funny and sometimes drives me absolutely crazy! I love her to death, but sometimes I just want to rip my hair out. Every night seems like a battle, she just turns mean. For example, last night it was around bedtime and I was picking up her toys downstairs when she decides to hit our smallest dog, Gabana. When I mean hit, I mean she wailed on her. She, of course, got in trouble and had to sit on the stairs for a time out (which, by the way she HATES) and after I asked her why she would hit Bana. Her response was "Bana doesn't like Ry". Nice. So if someone doesn't like you feel free to hit them because there's no use being nice, at least that's the way she sees it. It's hard to explain why that is wrong, but I did my best, with the help from my mom. She apologized to our dog in the end, but I know it will happen again, it always does.

I still haven't gotten a car, the job I am at right now, is only a temp job, which makes it hard to get financed because it's not a 'guaranteed' paycheck. I'm hoping it'll become permanent soon (fingers crossed). I'm also trying to get my credit score up, since my mistake of a marriage majorly screwed me. Just thinking about my once perfect credit score can bring me to tears, but what can I do? The past is the past and that's where I'm going to leave it. All I have do now is repair what I can, and deal with the rest.

My sister Lisa's birthday is the end of this month, so I decided to go visit her in the bay area. I bought my plane tickets yesterday and I am SO EXCITED! I haven't been up there since before I moved to SD from Fresno, so like 4 or 5 years. That's such a long time, I'm way overdue and her birthday is the perfect time. Now that I am working, I can go more often. I couldn't believe how cheap the flight was. I paid about $140 for a round trip, it beats driving and it's only an hour and 40 mins. I'll also get to visit my friends who live up there, so I decided to take a day off of work, because 2 days just wasn't enough. I will not be bringing Rylie, I want to, but I'd like to go out and have a few drinks and enjoy myself. Not that I can't enjoy myself with her, but I need a little break.

Til next time,
Lacy

Life...

Hmmm...I haven't been on here in a long time, let's see, where am I? I am a mess for one. Seeing a psychologist helped me, but I haven't been able to go back because, well, I'm officially divorced meaning I have no health benefits.

With the new year I was trying to be positive, and I was doing really well and everything was seeming to fall right into place, things were going my way and I was genuinely happy. Then something happened, not even a very big thing, just a thing and now I feel like I've fallen 10 steps behind. I don't mean to be negative and I HATE throwing a pity party for myself, I really do. I just, I don't know, I feel so lost. Like, I thought I would be someone by now, or at the very least be completely independent and somewhat successful. But here I am, 24, divorced, living at home with my parents and a single parent, definitely NOT some place I EVER thought I would be. I thought I'd be on baby number 2, happily married and, for the most part, worry free. That seems more like a fantasy now than even remotely close to reality.

So, I've kind of finished school, by kind of I mean I still have an externship to do. I found out that dental assistants don't make shit and I could have been making more money doing what I was doing back in Fresno WITH benefits (then of course I wouldn't have my amazing daughter and that's a different story for another time). UGH! Talk about frustrating AND a waste of time. What the hell do I do now? I want to finish externing and school, but I also need to start working and making money to start to cover the debt my so-called mistake of a marriage got me into. Just the thought of it sends my blood boiling to the point of an anxiety attack.

Since I continue to focus on the negative let's go into the fact that I have been single for longer than I have ever been in my 'dating career' (if you will...) and to be honest the term 'sexually frustrated' is a complete understatement. What else? Oh I have like 2 friends here, both of which are moving next month FML! Really? No wonder I keep reverting to the thought of moving back to Fresno, at least there I have some type of social life, that of which includes playmates for Rylie.

There is just too much going on in my life that I feel like I'm about to fall apart any second and I don't know how to even fix myself. For example Rylie's 'dad' is coming with his new girlfriend next month and that alone is making me want to scream. I'm not ready to share my daughter. It sucks, everything she knows is because of me or my family, what has he contributed to her well-being? I guess I'm scared that she might like him more, or that I will be replaced. My daughter is my whole world! I guess it's not always about me, and after 24 years I need to understand that. It's just hard.

Things

I am very much aware that no one reads this, then again this is mainly for me to vent and get things off my chest.

ANYWAYS

Life is definitely getting better, I've been in school for about a month now and even though it's hard, I've been doing pretty well. I've even made new friends and I've been going to the gym 6 days a week. Still no Weight Watchers, but I wanna see if I can really lose weight on my own, with the help of exercise before I spend more money. So far I've been going over a week, hardly enough to base anything on yet. I still cannot believe how much I weigh and how horrible I look. And to think I actually thought I was fat before I got pregnant. Not that I regret being pregnant, because Ry is the best thing that has every happened to me, I just wish I had taken better care of myself during my pregnancy and exercised. But here I am, extremely unhappy with my body. Not a place I would ever want to be, then again, things could be worse. Other than my body and weight, I would say things are good.

My new life starts

After months of going back and forth about which school I wanted to attend and which field, I've finally enrolled for classes. I'll be attending the Dental Assistant program at UEI-San Marcos. After speaking with a counselor and going over costs and all that fun stuff I decided that was the college for me. It's only 8 months and I go Mon-Fri 10-2:30, so it's a fairly easy schedule that I know I can work around when it comes to my family and Ry. I have to admit I'm excited that I get to wear scrubs to school everyday, it just beats the extra 10 minutes it takes me to find something to wear (especially now because I feel like the fattest person ever ugh!). I know I'm a loser for being excited about something so stupid, but oh well!

I haven't been able to start weight watchers yet, because of money issues and trying to get the stupid car up and running (which is a story in itself). But as of last night I have decided to start jogging at least 4-5 times a week. We have a park by my house that has the perfect track for a jog, and I felt so much better after doing it, and 30 minutes out of my day is not that big of a deal. I just grab my iPod and some Smart Water and I'm good to go. After I come back home I try to do at least 100 crunches (25 regular and another 25 on each side, ending on the criss-cross kind). I feel GREAT today, of course a little sore, but I can do this.

I cannot stand the way I look, I was looking at pictures of myself before I got pregnant, you know those times when you 'thought' you were so fat and looking back you think "wtf was I smoking? I would give anything to be back to that size"? Yeah well I have to do something, and sitting on my fatass every day is not doing anything but making me feel more self conscious and ugly. I think I'll start writing down everything I put into my mouth, including mints, gum EVERYTHING. I am single now and I gotta get back out there, and I cannot do that looking like I do now. So wish me luck, I LOVE food and it's something that will not be easy to just give up. I know I can do this, I just have to put my mind to it. I have 40 lbs to lose, this is gonna be a long road, but Vegas is in a couple months and I HAVE to look good in a little dress when we go out to the clubs!

Anyways, as for my Rylie, she's the biggest brat ever! I absolutely love her to death, but something must be done about her attitude and that screaming! She screams all the time, and in public. Other than that she is walking and of course into everything. I have some work to do in the mommy department as far as discipline goes, that's another obstacle to conquer. Like everything else, I can do it.

Lacy Nicole