Saturday, June 10, 2017

Can't help but feel guilty

I know that there was absolutely no way we could have known, or prepared ourselves for a brain tumor, but I feel so guilty about planning and getting pregnant with our third child. Obviously I had no idea at the time, but as my due date nears, I find myself feeling like a horrible person. Our community, friends and family have helped so much with getting us what we need, but this wasn't supposed to work out like this. We were supposed to be financially stable and get everything ourselves, I mean it is our third child after all. Not that I don't appreciate everything we've received, because I do, I just have this overwhelming guilt like I should've planned better.
This still doesn't feel real, like somehow I'll wake up and Dustin won't have a brain tumor and he's still generating income. Am I wrong for thinking this way? Honestly I'm scared and nervous and so stressed out that I don't even know where to go from here. We got some money from a GoFundMe account and family members, but it's just scratching the surface. We'll more than likely lose the truck and be behind on a few bills. Which terrifies me, even though I know this isn't the end of the world. This was our year to get ahead, finish paying off our credit cards and start working on our credit. Now we're looking at a whole different scenario. It's temporary, I know it is, it's just a long temporary. I can't let Dustin know I'm feeling this way because me stressing out is the last thing he needs. I've got to stop being selfish and just get through this.

Monday, June 5, 2017

One hell of a week

It's hard to believe our lives have been completely turned upside down in such a short amount of time. The flood of every single emotion you can imagine has been exhausting, but at least things are better than anticipated. Dustin was released on Saturday and we flew home that night. I can't even begin to describe how good it felt not only to sleep in our own bed, but to sleep in the same bed. The littlest things in life you tend to take for granted. I've learned not to take anything for granted anymore. Just having him here next to me right now makes me smile. Our priorities in life have shifted, financial issues no longer stress us out to the point where I'm in tears. I just know everything will work itself out one way or another, it could go so many different ways, but my husband is here and he's going to be healthy and that's really all that matters. This is temporary, we can get back on our feet after this is all over. I've been saying that we sure chose one hell of a time to get pregnant, but everything happens for a reason, I've always believed that. Good things can come from the darkest of times, our relationship has never been stronger and we've learned to not put so much emphasis into material things. What's important is family and God. We've got everything we need.

I go back to work tomorrow, I was hoping to be put in maternity leave, but considering the baby and I are doing so well, that's not likely. I'm going to see if I can work from home, I just feel better being around for Dustin just in case. He's not one to stay in bed and rest all day or remember to take his pills. His dad will be here Wednesday night, but who else but me is better to take care of him? It's a comfort thing and I will be here for him no matter what.

Friday, June 2, 2017

Looking up

It's Friday and while I'm still sitting here in a hospital room next to my husband, I'm in much better spirits. Dustin's surgery went really well yesterday and today he is doing better than I expected. I'd love to say this chapter in our lives is about over, however, with the size of his tumor, he's going to need another surgery to get the rest out. We'll be doing this all over again before the end of the year. But in my attempt to take things day by day, I'd say things are pretty good all things considered.

I cannot wait to get out of the hospital and get back to our lives. I'm missing our son like crazy, but he's being looked after and I know he's well taken care of. I just can't wait to see him and love on him. Our daughter left with my mom and sister today, I'm glad she got to see that her dad is recovering well. I also have to admit that I am looking forward to sleeping in my comfortable bed with my pregnancy pillow. These hospital couches aren't exactly ideal, especially when you're pushing 33 weeks pregnant.

Speaking of pregnancy, I'm starting to feel the effects of my lack of sleep and eating. When they brought Dustin back from surgery, I stood up next to him to hold his hand and I about blacked out. I can't lie, it scared me pretty bad. I find that standing or bending over tends to make me feel uneasy, like something's not right. I had a few contractions last night that worried me, but they haven't come back since and I think if I just take it easy, I'll be ok. I just need to make sure I see my doctor as soon as we get back into town. The last thing we need is for me to neglect my health.

I'm going to try to take a nap to catch up on my much needed sleep.

Thursday, June 1, 2017

This is my life

Am I am bad person for wanting to run away from my life right now? Obviously I would never, but how is it that I want to run far away from here, but at the same time I don't want to go anywhere? Am I having a panic attack? Am I losing my mind? How long can you be strong until you physically and emotionally just can't take anymore? I don't even know. Maybe I'm just running that low on sleep and energy that I just can't seem think straight. At this point sleep seems so far away, and not this light sleep that seems to make me even more tired, I mean actual good, long sleep.
As tired as I am, I can't help envisioning myself running out the doors of the hospital. Maybe just to breathe some fresh air, maybe to just keep on running. Any attempt to stop myself from facing this hell that is my reality. I'm a horrible person. Who thinks about running away during one of the most difficult and scary parts of someone's life? That same someone who would never think about running away from you? There is no hiding. Or running away. No escaping. I have to keep fighting through this pain, through all this scary stuff, because someone I love more than anything needs me. I'll just continue to be a shitty person in my mind who fantasizes about running away. Never acting on such a selfish thought. This is my life.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Is this real?

I keep waking up only to face reality. Part of me feels like this is just a bad dream that I'm going to wake up from, as if it hasn't really hit me yet. Things that seemingly happen overnight have that effect on you. No matter how much reassurance and confidence the surgeons and the team have, there's always that small chance something could go wrong. I shouldn't even be thinking this way, but honestly how can I not? It's like I KNOW he's going to be fine, but I just can't seem to stop my mind from wondering. My breakdowns still happen when I'm alone, mostly early morning or late at night when I know Dustin's sleeping. I know he knows I cry, but the last thing I want is him seeing me like that.
We found out that he will be going into surgery sometime tomorrow afternoon, something about knowing that just makes this situation that much more real. I'm anticipating it just being over, while at the same time dreading them wheeling him away to start a lengthy, invasive brain surgery. I'll be an absolute mess, I told him I'd try to stay strong, but we both know that isn't happening. Seeing the strongest person, my rock, like that still breaks me, every day, every time. If I could take his place I would, in a heartbeat.
When I go back to the why, like why'd this happen to us? I can only think about something I read. It said something along the lines of why not? What makes us so damn special that something like this could never happen? The answer, unfortunately, is nothing. Bad things happen to good people all of the time, it's part of life. You just deal with it as it comes and do the best you can with the hand you're dealt.
I would love to fast forward a few weeks, get to the easier parts, assuming it can only go up from here. It's hard to get excited about a new baby when all I can think of is my husbands health. The birth of our son will be a new beginning, I know that, we just need to get to that part. No matter what is going on in life, a baby is always a blessing. My husband WILL be recovered enough to be there for the birth of our son and enjoy every up and down associated with a newborn.
I'm learning not to take things for granted anymore, the alone time my husband and I have gotten in the last few days have been nice. It's like having date night while staying in, at least that's what I've been pretending it is. It felt good to laugh during such a hard time, that's something I'm always guaranteed with him. His sense of humor keeps my life fun and interesting.
I should probably try to get some rest, it's going to be a big, overwhelming day tomorrow.

It's hard

It's 5 am and I have been having trouble sleeping. Not because I'm 32 weeks pregnant, which has made sleeping comfortably near impossible, but because I'm in a hospital, 9 hours from home because my husband has a brain tumor. A brain tumor. Who would ever think that a trip to an ER would have doctors finding a golf ball sized tumor pushing against their husband's brain stem? Not me, not ever did I think we'd be here. I honestly didn't know what else to do but to start writing. Our families will be coming in throughout the day, which is great, he is so loved. He's always been the strong one and now it's my turn, I have got to stay strong, especially for him, but also for my 2 beautiful children and our families. I've been keeping most of my breakdowns to myself, I'm not an emotional people and have always felt it hard to deal with it, mostly when I know my husband needs me to be strong.

Today we will find out if he gets the surgery this morning, or sometime tomorrow. I'm a mess, seeing him on that hospital bed kills me. He's strong and healthy and the fact that there is absolutely nothing I can do for him is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I need him to be okay, I need his surgery to go well and I need him to know how much I love him. These last few days have really tested our relationship and I don't think I've ever been more in love with him in my life. It's strange how something like this puts things into perspective. We've known each other for years, have been together for 5 and married for almost 3. He is the best dad for Rylie, who just turned 8, she adores him and he is everything I could have ever wanted for our son, Tyler, who is almost 4. Life gets busy and you seem forget you need to make time for each other. Of course, we've gotten plenty of time to spend time with just us, since Sunday night. But it needs to become a priority from this day forward, we deserve it.  Not that I've ever questioned his love for me, I know he loves me, sometimes we just need to be alone together, even if it's at home, laying down together watching a movie. At this point, right now, all I want to do is be close to him. Sleeping separately has never been so hard, all I want is him and it feels so weird to literally miss someone who is sleeping 10 feet away. I don't want to leave him and the only times I've left him alone were to take care of our son (Rylie is in CA visiting family) or to get some things from the house. 

His surgery can be anywhere from 8-12 hours and I just know I'll be losing my mind worrying. Anything could happen and brain surgery is scary. It absolutely terrifies me, I know it does him as well, I have never once seen him cry until the day we got a diagnosis.  

Life is extremely unpredictable, one minute you're anticipating a new baby and the next being flown to Phoenix to a neurological institute to get your husband to the best doctors to handle a very delicate and complicated surgery. I can't ask why because no one knows, I can't be mad because it could've happened to anybody. I can be sad and scared and so damn angry at the situation, but I can't keep going back to the what if's or how could we have been so stupid as to not have taken him in sooner. At the end of the day we are where we are and we just have to take it minute by minute, hour by hour. I need to be here for him and I need to show him how much I love him. It's all I can do.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

It's Christmas time...

As of last night I am DONE with Christmas shopping. I've got to say, it's quite an accomplishment, especially because I left yesterday not having any idea what I was going to buy for the rest of the people on my list. Go me! It's also REALLY nice even being able to have the money to get people things. Have I mentioned that I have an amazing job?! I got $100 in a Christmas card from the CEO and Thursday I got a Christmas bonus, based on my yearly salary, which for this year was only barely 2 weeks haha. But anything is better than nothing, and it's gotten my savings account exactly where I needed it ;)

I still can't believe next Sunday is Christmas. Seriously, this year crept up behind me and flew by. Not that I'm complaining, I think it's great. This year I have truly been blessed. I have an amazing family, a great job and things are on the right track. I'll be getting a new car early next year and after that, I'll be saving to move out. I'd love it to just be Ry and I, but we'll see.

Well today it's off to Legoland with one of the managers at my work. Ry and I have never been so it should be fun. They even have a little area with snow, which Ry has never seen.

Until next time,