Is this real?

I keep waking up only to face reality. Part of me feels like this is just a bad dream that I'm going to wake up from, as if it hasn't really hit me yet. Things that seemingly happen overnight have that effect on you. No matter how much reassurance and confidence the surgeons and the team have, there's always that small chance something could go wrong. I shouldn't even be thinking this way, but honestly how can I not? It's like I KNOW he's going to be fine, but I just can't seem to stop my mind from wondering. My breakdowns still happen when I'm alone, mostly early morning or late at night when I know Dustin's sleeping. I know he knows I cry, but the last thing I want is him seeing me like that.
We found out that he will be going into surgery sometime tomorrow afternoon, something about knowing that just makes this situation that much more real. I'm anticipating it just being over, while at the same time dreading them wheeling him away to start a lengthy, invasive brain surgery. I'll be an absolute mess, I told him I'd try to stay strong, but we both know that isn't happening. Seeing the strongest person, my rock, like that still breaks me, every day, every time. If I could take his place I would, in a heartbeat.
When I go back to the why, like why'd this happen to us? I can only think about something I read. It said something along the lines of why not? What makes us so damn special that something like this could never happen? The answer, unfortunately, is nothing. Bad things happen to good people all of the time, it's part of life. You just deal with it as it comes and do the best you can with the hand you're dealt.
I would love to fast forward a few weeks, get to the easier parts, assuming it can only go up from here. It's hard to get excited about a new baby when all I can think of is my husbands health. The birth of our son will be a new beginning, I know that, we just need to get to that part. No matter what is going on in life, a baby is always a blessing. My husband WILL be recovered enough to be there for the birth of our son and enjoy every up and down associated with a newborn.
I'm learning not to take things for granted anymore, the alone time my husband and I have gotten in the last few days have been nice. It's like having date night while staying in, at least that's what I've been pretending it is. It felt good to laugh during such a hard time, that's something I'm always guaranteed with him. His sense of humor keeps my life fun and interesting.
I should probably try to get some rest, it's going to be a big, overwhelming day tomorrow.

It's hard

It's 5 am and I have been having trouble sleeping. Not because I'm 32 weeks pregnant, which has made sleeping comfortably near impossible, but because I'm in a hospital, 9 hours from home because my husband has a brain tumor. A brain tumor. Who would ever think that a trip to an ER would have doctors finding a golf ball sized tumor pushing against their husband's brain stem? Not me, not ever did I think we'd be here. I honestly didn't know what else to do but to start writing. Our families will be coming in throughout the day, which is great, he is so loved. He's always been the strong one and now it's my turn, I have got to stay strong, especially for him, but also for my 2 beautiful children and our families. I've been keeping most of my breakdowns to myself, I'm not an emotional people and have always felt it hard to deal with it, mostly when I know my husband needs me to be strong.

Today we will find out if he gets the surgery this morning, or sometime tomorrow. I'm a mess, seeing him on that hospital bed kills me. He's strong and healthy and the fact that there is absolutely nothing I can do for him is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I need him to be okay, I need his surgery to go well and I need him to know how much I love him. These last few days have really tested our relationship and I don't think I've ever been more in love with him in my life. It's strange how something like this puts things into perspective. We've known each other for years, have been together for 5 and married for almost 3. He is the best dad for Rylie, who just turned 8, she adores him and he is everything I could have ever wanted for our son, Tyler, who is almost 4. Life gets busy and you seem forget you need to make time for each other. Of course, we've gotten plenty of time to spend time with just us, since Sunday night. But it needs to become a priority from this day forward, we deserve it.  Not that I've ever questioned his love for me, I know he loves me, sometimes we just need to be alone together, even if it's at home, laying down together watching a movie. At this point, right now, all I want to do is be close to him. Sleeping separately has never been so hard, all I want is him and it feels so weird to literally miss someone who is sleeping 10 feet away. I don't want to leave him and the only times I've left him alone were to take care of our son (Rylie is in CA visiting family) or to get some things from the house. 

His surgery can be anywhere from 8-12 hours and I just know I'll be losing my mind worrying. Anything could happen and brain surgery is scary. It absolutely terrifies me, I know it does him as well, I have never once seen him cry until the day we got a diagnosis.  

Life is extremely unpredictable, one minute you're anticipating a new baby and the next being flown to Phoenix to a neurological institute to get your husband to the best doctors to handle a very delicate and complicated surgery. I can't ask why because no one knows, I can't be mad because it could've happened to anybody. I can be sad and scared and so damn angry at the situation, but I can't keep going back to the what if's or how could we have been so stupid as to not have taken him in sooner. At the end of the day we are where we are and we just have to take it minute by minute, hour by hour. I need to be here for him and I need to show him how much I love him. It's all I can do.