Hmmm...I haven't been on here in a long time, let's see, where am I? I am a mess for one. Seeing a psychologist helped me, but I haven't been able to go back because, well, I'm officially divorced meaning I have no health benefits.
With the new year I was trying to be positive, and I was doing really well and everything was seeming to fall right into place, things were going my way and I was genuinely happy. Then something happened, not even a very big thing, just a thing and now I feel like I've fallen 10 steps behind. I don't mean to be negative and I HATE throwing a pity party for myself, I really do. I just, I don't know, I feel so lost. Like, I thought I would be someone by now, or at the very least be completely independent and somewhat successful. But here I am, 24, divorced, living at home with my parents and a single parent, definitely NOT some place I EVER thought I would be. I thought I'd be on baby number 2, happily married and, for the most part, worry free. That seems more like a fantasy now than even remotely close to reality.
So, I've kind of finished school, by kind of I mean I still have an externship to do. I found out that dental assistants don't make shit and I could have been making more money doing what I was doing back in Fresno WITH benefits (then of course I wouldn't have my amazing daughter and that's a different story for another time). UGH! Talk about frustrating AND a waste of time. What the hell do I do now? I want to finish externing and school, but I also need to start working and making money to start to cover the debt my so-called mistake of a marriage got me into. Just the thought of it sends my blood boiling to the point of an anxiety attack.
Since I continue to focus on the negative let's go into the fact that I have been single for longer than I have ever been in my 'dating career' (if you will...) and to be honest the term 'sexually frustrated' is a complete understatement. What else? Oh I have like 2 friends here, both of which are moving next month FML! Really? No wonder I keep reverting to the thought of moving back to Fresno, at least there I have some type of social life, that of which includes playmates for Rylie.
There is just too much going on in my life that I feel like I'm about to fall apart any second and I don't know how to even fix myself. For example Rylie's 'dad' is coming with his new girlfriend next month and that alone is making me want to scream. I'm not ready to share my daughter. It sucks, everything she knows is because of me or my family, what has he contributed to her well-being? I guess I'm scared that she might like him more, or that I will be replaced. My daughter is my whole world! I guess it's not always about me, and after 24 years I need to understand that. It's just hard.
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