It's hard

It's 5 am and I have been having trouble sleeping. Not because I'm 32 weeks pregnant, which has made sleeping comfortably near impossible, but because I'm in a hospital, 9 hours from home because my husband has a brain tumor. A brain tumor. Who would ever think that a trip to an ER would have doctors finding a golf ball sized tumor pushing against their husband's brain stem? Not me, not ever did I think we'd be here. I honestly didn't know what else to do but to start writing. Our families will be coming in throughout the day, which is great, he is so loved. He's always been the strong one and now it's my turn, I have got to stay strong, especially for him, but also for my 2 beautiful children and our families. I've been keeping most of my breakdowns to myself, I'm not an emotional people and have always felt it hard to deal with it, mostly when I know my husband needs me to be strong.

Today we will find out if he gets the surgery this morning, or sometime tomorrow. I'm a mess, seeing him on that hospital bed kills me. He's strong and healthy and the fact that there is absolutely nothing I can do for him is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I need him to be okay, I need his surgery to go well and I need him to know how much I love him. These last few days have really tested our relationship and I don't think I've ever been more in love with him in my life. It's strange how something like this puts things into perspective. We've known each other for years, have been together for 5 and married for almost 3. He is the best dad for Rylie, who just turned 8, she adores him and he is everything I could have ever wanted for our son, Tyler, who is almost 4. Life gets busy and you seem forget you need to make time for each other. Of course, we've gotten plenty of time to spend time with just us, since Sunday night. But it needs to become a priority from this day forward, we deserve it.  Not that I've ever questioned his love for me, I know he loves me, sometimes we just need to be alone together, even if it's at home, laying down together watching a movie. At this point, right now, all I want to do is be close to him. Sleeping separately has never been so hard, all I want is him and it feels so weird to literally miss someone who is sleeping 10 feet away. I don't want to leave him and the only times I've left him alone were to take care of our son (Rylie is in CA visiting family) or to get some things from the house. 

His surgery can be anywhere from 8-12 hours and I just know I'll be losing my mind worrying. Anything could happen and brain surgery is scary. It absolutely terrifies me, I know it does him as well, I have never once seen him cry until the day we got a diagnosis.  

Life is extremely unpredictable, one minute you're anticipating a new baby and the next being flown to Phoenix to a neurological institute to get your husband to the best doctors to handle a very delicate and complicated surgery. I can't ask why because no one knows, I can't be mad because it could've happened to anybody. I can be sad and scared and so damn angry at the situation, but I can't keep going back to the what if's or how could we have been so stupid as to not have taken him in sooner. At the end of the day we are where we are and we just have to take it minute by minute, hour by hour. I need to be here for him and I need to show him how much I love him. It's all I can do.