Can't help but feel guilty

I know that there was absolutely no way we could have known, or prepared ourselves for a brain tumor, but I feel so guilty about planning and getting pregnant with our third child. Obviously I had no idea at the time, but as my due date nears, I find myself feeling like a horrible person. Our community, friends and family have helped so much with getting us what we need, but this wasn't supposed to work out like this. We were supposed to be financially stable and get everything ourselves, I mean it is our third child after all. Not that I don't appreciate everything we've received, because I do, I just have this overwhelming guilt like I should've planned better.
This still doesn't feel real, like somehow I'll wake up and Dustin won't have a brain tumor and he's still generating income. Am I wrong for thinking this way? Honestly I'm scared and nervous and so stressed out that I don't even know where to go from here. We got some money from a GoFundMe account and family members, but it's just scratching the surface. We'll more than likely lose the truck and be behind on a few bills. Which terrifies me, even though I know this isn't the end of the world. This was our year to get ahead, finish paying off our credit cards and start working on our credit. Now we're looking at a whole different scenario. It's temporary, I know it is, it's just a long temporary. I can't let Dustin know I'm feeling this way because me stressing out is the last thing he needs. I've got to stop being selfish and just get through this.

One hell of a week

It's hard to believe our lives have been completely turned upside down in such a short amount of time. The flood of every single emotion you can imagine has been exhausting, but at least things are better than anticipated. Dustin was released on Saturday and we flew home that night. I can't even begin to describe how good it felt not only to sleep in our own bed, but to sleep in the same bed. The littlest things in life you tend to take for granted. I've learned not to take anything for granted anymore. Just having him here next to me right now makes me smile. Our priorities in life have shifted, financial issues no longer stress us out to the point where I'm in tears. I just know everything will work itself out one way or another, it could go so many different ways, but my husband is here and he's going to be healthy and that's really all that matters. This is temporary, we can get back on our feet after this is all over. I've been saying that we sure chose one hell of a time to get pregnant, but everything happens for a reason, I've always believed that. Good things can come from the darkest of times, our relationship has never been stronger and we've learned to not put so much emphasis into material things. What's important is family and God. We've got everything we need.

I go back to work tomorrow, I was hoping to be put in maternity leave, but considering the baby and I are doing so well, that's not likely. I'm going to see if I can work from home, I just feel better being around for Dustin just in case. He's not one to stay in bed and rest all day or remember to take his pills. His dad will be here Wednesday night, but who else but me is better to take care of him? It's a comfort thing and I will be here for him no matter what.

Looking up

It's Friday and while I'm still sitting here in a hospital room next to my husband, I'm in much better spirits. Dustin's surgery went really well yesterday and today he is doing better than I expected. I'd love to say this chapter in our lives is about over, however, with the size of his tumor, he's going to need another surgery to get the rest out. We'll be doing this all over again before the end of the year. But in my attempt to take things day by day, I'd say things are pretty good all things considered.

I cannot wait to get out of the hospital and get back to our lives. I'm missing our son like crazy, but he's being looked after and I know he's well taken care of. I just can't wait to see him and love on him. Our daughter left with my mom and sister today, I'm glad she got to see that her dad is recovering well. I also have to admit that I am looking forward to sleeping in my comfortable bed with my pregnancy pillow. These hospital couches aren't exactly ideal, especially when you're pushing 33 weeks pregnant.

Speaking of pregnancy, I'm starting to feel the effects of my lack of sleep and eating. When they brought Dustin back from surgery, I stood up next to him to hold his hand and I about blacked out. I can't lie, it scared me pretty bad. I find that standing or bending over tends to make me feel uneasy, like something's not right. I had a few contractions last night that worried me, but they haven't come back since and I think if I just take it easy, I'll be ok. I just need to make sure I see my doctor as soon as we get back into town. The last thing we need is for me to neglect my health.

I'm going to try to take a nap to catch up on my much needed sleep.

This is my life

Am I am bad person for wanting to run away from my life right now? Obviously I would never, but how is it that I want to run far away from here, but at the same time I don't want to go anywhere? Am I having a panic attack? Am I losing my mind? How long can you be strong until you physically and emotionally just can't take anymore? I don't even know. Maybe I'm just running that low on sleep and energy that I just can't seem think straight. At this point sleep seems so far away, and not this light sleep that seems to make me even more tired, I mean actual good, long sleep.
As tired as I am, I can't help envisioning myself running out the doors of the hospital. Maybe just to breathe some fresh air, maybe to just keep on running. Any attempt to stop myself from facing this hell that is my reality. I'm a horrible person. Who thinks about running away during one of the most difficult and scary parts of someone's life? That same someone who would never think about running away from you? There is no hiding. Or running away. No escaping. I have to keep fighting through this pain, through all this scary stuff, because someone I love more than anything needs me. I'll just continue to be a shitty person in my mind who fantasizes about running away. Never acting on such a selfish thought. This is my life.