Thursday, June 1, 2017

This is my life

Am I am bad person for wanting to run away from my life right now? Obviously I would never, but how is it that I want to run far away from here, but at the same time I don't want to go anywhere? Am I having a panic attack? Am I losing my mind? How long can you be strong until you physically and emotionally just can't take anymore? I don't even know. Maybe I'm just running that low on sleep and energy that I just can't seem think straight. At this point sleep seems so far away, and not this light sleep that seems to make me even more tired, I mean actual good, long sleep.
As tired as I am, I can't help envisioning myself running out the doors of the hospital. Maybe just to breathe some fresh air, maybe to just keep on running. Any attempt to stop myself from facing this hell that is my reality. I'm a horrible person. Who thinks about running away during one of the most difficult and scary parts of someone's life? That same someone who would never think about running away from you? There is no hiding. Or running away. No escaping. I have to keep fighting through this pain, through all this scary stuff, because someone I love more than anything needs me. I'll just continue to be a shitty person in my mind who fantasizes about running away. Never acting on such a selfish thought. This is my life.

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